INT: NIGHT DORM RAVE
Lights all around, sweaty people on amps, amps on sweaty people. Our principle character is a perpetual grad student Theodore Thewamin with an unusual hobby and problem.
Big pwoblem thwat is. Twime to pwush the envewope. Twime to dwo the swearing win. Twime to fwind out who wants two gwo the whole dwamn way...
(sounding like Al Gore meets Mark Trail -- reassuring and Disney like.)
Everything interesting happens at this university right? Retrogothics, Genetics, Sound Into Light, the whole nine yards. Even the DNA guys were up to something. One speech impaired maven of Russian descent, Theodore Thewamin, a biochem major of a "gwad" student had decided to study something simple, to leave time for the ritualistic perforation of his fellow man he plied as a hobby on the weekend.
Theo's thesis was two years past due:
On the differentiation of epitheilial interface cells
which had something to do with the specialized cells of the mouth, lips and various other dark places. Apparently these cells are very special and Theo's thesis dealt with a problem he became very obsessed with: What kept the mouth from growing together?
Based on his study Theo had created a compound he called, "Jabber Jell", which kept scar tissue from growing around cuts. Made skin grow faster too, definitely not FDA approved. Who has time for that? Certainly not his advisor. Theo's rules; Books on the week, piercing on the weekend, and never spweak pwubwicwally. Piercing or "Nweedwing" paid for club fun, special sacrifices at the Rites of Spring and whatever else came up.
A simple fellow with simple goals. Theo's "mwates", as he called them dropped by his "bwungalo" on Friday afternoon begging to be pierced. Not in the nipple, not in the cheek, not in the nose.
"The wips and nowhere but the wips, so hewelp me Gwod. By refewal onwe."
And that at forty dollars a scream.
Theo's hero was a physicist named Dirac. For obvious reasons. Dirac's delta functions solved any problem when the wind was right and that left time to play. Theo has a client right now. He pushes a cold steel post through a shaking lower mandible. White knuckles grip the side of the used barber chair Theo had in his unusually dark and vivid dorm room.
I'm gwood, yewah.
I've nevwer mwissed wining wup a fwace as wugly as yowurs.
Twake thwat nothwing bweats pwiercing wips and sweeing them adworned with a swingular thpeech thucking bwead.
Pwut Jwabber Jwell on fwor thwee days and wit won't gwo bwack".
Thank Thew Theo
Bead placement in the finest of souls changed the dialect of the wearer into one only his "mwates" could truly understand, one almost like his. Dirac would be proud. Dirac was born with delta functions. Theo was born with a lisp. It was perfect. A perfect vision of a new social order.
After the blood was wiped up, and the retorts were adjusted for making more slow-growing Jabber Jell, it was club time. After the ceremony of fresh meat, where a new comrad was brought into the fold, the newly pierced mate and the rest of the clan would shake to the "Wites of spwing", replete with body tossing courtesy of a band named, "SF", which stood for "Sewer Flotsam".
Dickee was special, Dickee who didn't scream, cry or even tear up the first three holes said after his fourth
"Gee, I'd sure love to ditch these lips all together, these fat lips are nothing but hell".
Like an Edisonian accident, suddenly there was silence.
" Two stweps fow-wed, no stweps bwack."
I cwould cwut wem off for wew, but wew'd WOOK wike well.
How would I eat?
Shovwe a twube down yowr nose. Twygon twubing dwoes wonders. Bwunt the wend with a fwame..I swuck my pwuke up wat way.
How would I eat? What if my nose stopped up, like would I smother?
"Nwose dwops, mwate, Nwose dwops.
Cut me, Theo
ACTION: Theo pulls out a sharp scapel, dipping it in a clear organic solvent on the piercing table. As he approached Dick he begins
You cwan't go bwack you nwhoa, twype Wes epithiwem is swite unwique and nwot weproducible wunder anwe circwumstances but bwirth". "Thwere's gwoing two bwe bwood evewywhere and I dwon't have wany anestwetic. It will take me at least waf an wour to cwut your wips, sew wour face shwut, and shwit, the west of my Wabber Well." "Arwe woo surwe?"
Dickee sarcastically muffles with his mouth closed.
Cut me, fwuckfwace
Halfway through the top lip Dick stiffens and grabs the arms of the draped barber chair.
"Wat's wong, mwan? I'm jwuggling swome swerious bwood where...the fwace is wery wascular wou knwo"
Dickee gestures wildly for a pen and paper. Theo plants a large towel over Dicks face
Wold thwis, bwutthole
Theo gets a pad and pencil and hands it to Dick, taking control of the towel on his face. Dick writes,
"You gotta take my tongue out Theo, I have this allergy. You gotta take my tongue or it might swell up and choke me..."
"Nwo shwit", Theo is blown away. "Wof cwourse....we gwotta tawke the twongue two swo the fwace shwut pwermanently", "Wow dwude, Wadical" "Nwothing a pwair of fworceps and a wire wap cwan't twake cware of." "Wots of bwood thwough. Wisten, I bwetter twurn on swome swuction so you don't go Dwakkin out on me" "And Wat Bwetter Thwan Cwstal Cwear Twygon" "Fwor A Mwother's Hands". "Hey, cwan you wike hwold thwis thwing fwor me?"
Theo points to the towel and eyes the remains of his Jabber Jell.
1 month later
Dick looks in the mirror. He runs his hand over his face. A small growth of stubble beards his face. No mouth. No tongue. No scars. Smooth. Very Fashionable. No one at the club has this. Theo moves towards the reflection and smiles...