The Montana Autobahn

Seems as leaving things to the states works everywhere. Everywhere except Montana that is. America now has herself what she envied for years across the Atlantic and that is, you got it, an autobahn of her very own. The Montana Autobahn where nitrous oxide doesn't make you laugh, it makes you break the speed of sound as you pull out from under the freeway overpass seeing if you can break the 200 mile an hour mark you set last week using direct gas injection into the hemi of your Dodge Viper, J.C. Whitney Special. Montana's finest can either stand there and watch the shock waves, or do something useful with now obsolete radar gun. The other ten free states are going to take this speed thing one step at a time. That means jamming the pedal to 75 to start with, which if we're honest, is what at least half of America has been doing all along. Yeah, the highway boys are already tearing down those 55 mph signs, the ones that only the state troopers - and Jesus himself - is willing to mind. One time I asked Jesus if he would go 55. ** I didn't get an answer.** Not because He isn't there, and not because He doesn't have a strong opinion on the matter. Nope, it's worse than than. It's one of those trick questions that causes black holes, supernova's and spontaneous universal collapse. I, make that we, should all be glad He didn't answer. If He had there wouldn't be any more highways or weeds or fence posts or planet. Just a little pea sized thing of solid neutrons with some wiggly lines on it where we and our roads all used to be. Figure it out. If the Almighty said, "I always obey the speed limit, buckle up and never exceed fifty five miles an hour", then the whole heaven thing would start shakin' pretty badly. Why? Think about it. If God were to drive 55 when everyone else was going 65 that would create a, "menace to society", a "clear and present danger", "not going with the flow", and a "moving hazard". Now, "going with the flow" is in the driver's license manual in most states, though I never heard of that excuse working on a state trooper. No, when the sunbeams are a gleamin' off them boots, you best beese on your way. On the other hand if the good Lord says, "I go with the flow, even if it exceeds the posted speed limit", wouldn't that represent a bit of convenient situational ethics? Break the speed limit cause it's convenient. Isn't that special? Hello imploding universe. So what can He do? You're on the right track now. That's how the good Lord would have gotten himself crucified these days. No cross, no nails, no whips, no crown of thorns. Nope, just good old fashioned asphalt and 55 miles an hour, far as the eye can see. It would've happened something like this. Our Savior would be in the right hand lane, doing 55, swatting at some fly that came buzzin' in the window and maybe thinking He shouldn't have made them in the first place. A fifty ton yellow freight liner late for yesterday's loading dock would come roaring down the highway bumping off the slow cars like an angry bulldozer hitting lazy pines. Our Savior, busy with that fly, would - in an instant - be just another piece of highway carnage, compressed by the eighteen wheels of that freight liner without a second thought. You got it, the God of the universe is just another picture at the state highway department with a caption that reads, "What happens if you don't watch the road" or some other piece of convenient social engineering put there by the boys in blue, those Roman soldiers gettin' their little books out to write something personal, something special, just for you.

© 1995 L. Van Warren