The Monster Called Olestra

T H E

M O N S T E R

C A L L E D

"O L E S T R A"

A Short and Scary Story by

L. Van Warren

- fully esterized "Olestra" from Okangan

Ok, you may not have the time to read this really short and scary story below, but after you hear what is going on, you'll wish you had. Just remember this:

A monster called "Olestra" is stalking your town and wants to suck the life out of you, your children AND EVEN your animals. Now do not confuse "Olestra" with other common but toxic oils like cottonseed oil foisted on an unsuspecting pastry eathing public. (BTW -The toxicity of cottonseed oil is a well kept secret... it contains a residue called gossypol, which will kill farm animals, such as pigs, it also contains a cyclopropene group that some people, like myself are fatally allergic too because it induces tachycardia, but hey, that's my problem...) Back to the story:

Next time somebody hands you a potato chip, you might just want to start asking a few questions. Before you bite down, before you "get the facts from Frito Lay", just ask to take ONE LOOK at that molecule...

How does the word, "Medusa" strike you?
How does the word "Octopus" strike you?
How does the idea of "Wildly Waving tentacles" strike you?
What does the phrase, "don't get me, don't get me" bring to mind...

There I was, minding my own business. Let's face it, Carbon atoms are lying around just waiting to be stuck together, like tinkertoys, to make all kinds of build-from-scratch projects. Projects that can be wound-up and left to run on their own. When you buy the extra pieces like sunshine yellow sulfur, life-giving red blooded oxygen and true blue nitrogen all kinds of things wonderful things can happen... like you and me!

It had to do with my old refrigerator. I really don't want to discuss it.

Yeah, you think, "He grew mold in his refrigerator and became fixated on the green fur" and that would be a good guess, though tragically wrong. My really good deal on a second hand refrigerator had only one problem. It didn't cool very well. The large white door made an excellent drawing surface for sketching organic molecules with a Sharpie. (which, if you're a victim of pen and pencil envy, is the finest, non-toxic, smear-proof, writing instrument money can buy, even writes on glass.)

So instead of becoming despondent because the food in the frige was slowly rotting, and instead of doing dishes I drew organic reactions. After a time, and due to the indelibility of Sanford inc, our malfunctioning refrigerator became a priceless work of art that still sits in a landfill somewhere waiting to be discovered.

But all of this takes me away from my true purpose in writing this note which is to warn everyone, everywhere, everything about the monster Olestra which is stamping through the streets and devouring the innocent while the unsuspecting watch talk shows while munching from their perch on stationary bicycles.

Now when I say, "devouring the innocent", I mean precisely that. If you tilt your head back and look at Olestra square in the eye, you can see what the fast food nuclear physicists have gone and done this time. As usual, it all started with our old friend sucrose. No matter what else happens remember this:

glucose + fructose = sucrose or if we're smuggling the information in droids:

which will henceforth be referred to as "the sucrose connection".

Here is a year of chemistry in a four lines, you read, you graduate, begin now.
If you take a molecule glucose (of "Nurse - hang a bag glucose fame) also known as "corn sugar" or "grape sugar" (of barefoot Italian girls stamping wine fame) and stick it presumptuously on a fructose (of "fruit sugar won't make you fat but sucrose will"- fame) you get a two ring sugar known as "sucrose", from the latin meaning, "to suckle like a pig".
You graduated with top honors...

Now if we stopped there, everything would be fine, and the human race, though somewhat fatter, would survive. But no, it can't be that simple can it? If we could only go back in time. One Spring Day. Some stringy haired Oppenheimer wearing glasses and a stained labcoat looks up from his test tube in Fried Potato HQ and says, "Viola. Now I can infest millions and make them pay for the privilege" He said this while picturing a straw in their poking into their brains making that milkshake sucking sound as their eyes sank back into those little shrunken heads you can buy at 7-11.

Here is your inside track on the potato chip conspiracy. Even if they kill me, every word is true: After several years of work, an estimated two hundred million dollars and a warehouse of stringy haired scientists working on the dietary equivalent of the Manhattan project, Proctor & Gamble managed to stick tentacles, complete with suction cups on the head of a sucrose molecule.

That would be all well and good except for one little detail:
Those selfsame tentacles suction out all the neighboring oil-soluble Vitamins like help A, crunch D and yikes K. You know, the same Vitamin A that could be out improving our night vision so we don't get ambushed by creatures in the night. The same Vitamin D that could be making our bones strong so they can't be crushed as we wriggle free from the jaws of death. And even quick thinking Vitamin K that helps our blood to clot when we get mangled. Remember, you heard it here first. It is happening while we speak. Spread the word, get the smuggled droid plug-in, it might not be too late...