The Toothbrush

Wonderbread builds strong bodies twelve ways. That's important. We like strong bodies. Twelve little vitamins doing their job.

Toothbrushing keeps teeth strong too. Twenty eight little pillars holding up the community. Toothbrushing dislodges tenacious little bacteria eating away the enamel of our teeth. I brush after every meal. I even brush after drinking soda. Phosphoric acid, the tangy substance in most soft drinks, creates an acidic environment that bacteria love. Phosphoric acid attacks the enamel directly, like lemons. Why take the risk? Aren't there enough dangerous things out there trying to take us out? Why put the pearly whites on the line for nothing?

A few weeks ago, I was desperate to brush. I was in the kitchen. There was a toothbrush over by the sink, over by the scrub brushes. It looked a little rusty. Nothing a little running water and a good scrub over my teeth wouldn't fix. Why this toothbrush would be as good as new after a few, phosphoric purging sessions. Another techno-artifact saved from the landfill.

It was Sunday. It was my anniversary. The anniversary of brushing faithfully with a renewable resource toothbrush. My wife is home all day Sunday. I told her how much I liked brushing my teeth with that toothbrush by the sink. Its firm bristles, its color, adding to an invigorating experience.

She turned pale and clasped her hand over her mouth. Did I say something wrong? Toothbrushing is a good thing, like Wonderbread isn't it? She told me that SHE uses that toothbrush for something else...

I turned pale and clasped my hand over my mouth. She says, "That particular toothbrush came in handy for cleaning dog poop from between the creases of Vibram-soled hiking boots..." "All five pairs."

That is interesting. I've heard of survival courses. I've heard of eating bugs. I've heard of eathing worms. I've heard of swami's in India who drink their own urine in purification rites. There should be special brushes for Vibram-soled hiking boots. Brushes with big orange warning labels like interstate highway signs. Brushes with special handles shaped so they can only be held below waist level. Brushes with little counters in them. Brushes with alarms. Brushes that can only be used once... So I came at my wife with one of those grins and says, "How's about a big fat kiss?"
© 1996 L. Van Warren