Valet Parking

Just for you, the new Brandise™ store has made its parking lot enormous. No matter what kind of a car or truck you drive, you will find yourself parking within thiry second walking distance. At Brandise™ our motto is, "Everyone is Handicapped® Even if They Don't Look Like It!". Our gigantic walk-in store is surrounded by an instant access circular parking lot. Just drive your car up to the valet and within seconds you will be safely snuggled into your own genuine fake fur lined parking space.

You'll just love our jumbo "forever new" parking spaces that give you full door clearance, making those unhappy door dents a thing of the past. The Brandise™ parking features a licensed and bonded valet service. Insecure? The valet will review the video tape of how your car was driven to and from its place. Still unsure? They will show you a Polaroid of your odometer reading before and after to prevent those Ferris Bueller shake and shivers. Need a little more? View extreme close ups of your side doors with the latest image enhancements to convince you that your new car doors have not been bumped or bruised.

Sign your satisfaction form and drive happily on your way, no tipping allowed. If you do not approve, you will be instantly reimbursed by our certified adjustors. Want more? You will be provided a perfect duplicate rent-a-car while we lavish repairs on your vehicle at no cost. Not satisfied yet? The rent-a-car is yours to keep, a handy second car.

You can also join our CorrectClub™ program. If our valet fails to perform up to your expectation, drink coffee and relax while they are stripped and beaten. Worried about germs? Sign up for CultureCare™. We will swab your car thoroughly and provide a detailed decontamination. Still unsure? Have a free pelvic examination on us. If we find that our valet contaminated your car, they will be stripped and disinfected with Clorox™ brand bleach while you sip cool Marguerita's and remember that trip to the beach. Remember that all our valets wear Tyvek™ brand suits so their disgusting personal habits do not leave you driving a dented and bacteria infested car. What about footprints you ask? We autoclave our attendants between each and every vehicle delivery rain or shine.

There is no length that we at Brandise™ will not go to, to insure your full customer satisfaction, because at Brandise, satisfaction is the name of the game

… (Brandise™ jingle plays ...)

© 2002 L. Van Warren